I hesitated.
I second-guessed.
I hovered the mouse over the publish button, wondering if I really wanted to share that much.
But I pushed myself to open up.
After publishing “The Real Me,” I asked myself if it was really a post I wanted to share on Facebook. I thought, “Maybe I should just let my small trickle of people who still might check my blog come across it on their own . . . eventually.” But I pushed myself again to share, to confide, to trust.
Even after that, even when I went to bed that night, the thought kept creeping into my mind that I could just . . . delete it and pretend it never happened. But I didn’t.
And I’m glad I didn’t (mostly). I was amazed at the response I got. It was a flood of comments, Facebook comments, private messages, texts and even phone calls. I never knew I could rally so much support with just one bad day.
“I feel the same way,” so many moms said.
“You’re not alone.”
“I’ll be there for you.”
“Call me.”
“Let’s support each other.”
“Being a mom is hard for me too.”
I never expected such an outpouring. It was a great reminder that I’m not alone and that maybe I’m more normal than I think. Do you ever get that What’s-wrong-with-me? feeling? I feel like that sometimes on my bad days. But now, I almost feel like I can answer that feeling with, “absolutely nothing. It’s just a bad day.”
The reason I say I’m mostly glad I didn’t delete the post is because I’m afraid I might have raised too much alarm from some friends. It wasn’t a cry for help as much as an acknowledgement that I don’t always have it together. I know I lamented a lot about different things, but I was venting. I’ve been holding on to those feelings of loneliness for a long time. It felt so much better just to get it out. The people who know me well understand that I have to dump out all the things that are bothering me from time to time.
I realize the pictures of my house were quite shocking, and I know of one person who would have preferred if I had omitted them (Sorry sweetie). (The weekend allowed for much improvement, even if things aren’t spotless yet.) But I get so tired of everything having to be perfect. The fact is that life is messy. When I have a baby, life has to slow down, I have to lower expectations and give myself credit for the small things. The to-do list builds up. Sometimes I can be okay with that, and other times, it gets really overwhelming.
Let me back up and explain a little bit. Last Thursday wasn’t just a bad day for no particular reason. I was really stressing over the rental of our old house in Oregon because of some new developments that I won’t discuss here. Thinking about that house got me thinking too much about life within those walls and life in Oregon. Those thoughts (probably combined with the despicable weather we were having here) made me feel all sorts of homesick. Add to that the fact that Grant was working late that night, and it was the perfect recipe to get me down in the dumps.
When I need to talk to an adult, whether I’m sad or just wanting to converse with a real, live, grown-up, I pretty much have 3 usual people I want to talk to: Grant, my mom, and my sister, Beth. Since Grant is a busy man when at work and my mom works and lives 2 time zones away, I end up talking to Beth the most (only 1 time zone away). When Grant isn’t home, she is my rock. I’m so glad for the relationship we have. She’s always there for me, and I love catching up with her and hearing about what’s going on with her and her family.
Beth and her son came to visit shortly after Cecilia was born.
While I love my relationship with my sister, I’ve been starting to feel like I need to form more bonds, branch out my support. I need to connect more with the people who live close to me. I need some backup in case Beth isn’t available. I don’t want to pull away from her at all, but I think I do need to do a little work to add to some of the friendships in my life.
I’m usually only good at maintaining one good friendship in my life at a time. I may have other friends, but I don’t invest in them the same amount of attention and trust as I would my main friend. I see my sister and the many relationships she has with friends and family, and sometimes I think I want more. There was one day that I was struggling, and Beth told me about how she had been having a hard time when a friend who lived close by came and helped her with just what she needed. I was happy she had that support, but I was a little bit jealous. The thought keeps creeping into my mind, and I might even call it a prompting, that I need to nourish some more friendships.
When I was feeling down on Thursday, I had all these names swimming through my mind of people I could maybe try calling just to chat. I was nervous and couldn’t figure out who to try first. I prayed. I prayed that I might know who I should contact. So often, I’m frustrated by how easy it feels to share with EVERYONE on Facebook that I’m having a bad day but so hard to choose just ONE person to talk to about it. Maybe it’s because people on Facebook can choose if they want to respond, but if I call someone, it feels like I’m putting them on the spot.
I don’t know why, but that’s when I started feeling like I should just write it on my blog. It was therapeutic to spew all my feelings that had been swimming in my mind that day. Once I was done writing, I felt better already. I never would have imagined the response I would get would show me I had even MORE options of people to lean on than I had in mind originally. It was like a great big message over a blow horn saying, “JUST ASK!”
So I have a challenge for myself, and maybe for all of you who told me you feel the same way about reaching out to others. I’ve decided to push myself to branch out and nourish more of my friendships. I want to feel like I have a community (even if it’s a small one) of people I can trust, and they can lean on me, too. Of course, I’m still going to call my sister, but along with chatting with my sister, I’m going to challenge myself to call (or text in a pinch, but preferably call) one other person a week just to chat. That way, I might feel a little more trusting to confide in someone I’ve already talked to when I need to vent or cry or whatever. Plus, now that I know that so many other moms feel like I do, maybe I can be there to support someone when they need it. I even made a list of people who said I should call them, and I’m just going to go down the list, one person a week. That way I won’t stress over who to call; I’ll just do it.
I’ve already made a start. There’s a very kind lady at church who has offered several times to come over and help me out with baby and housework. I’ve been too embarrassed, feeling like I should only have her come if I can get the house clean first—yes, even when she has offered to come help me with my house! I left her a voicemail today about when she might want to come over, and I’m not going to fret about the house. Even if she wants to enjoy my baby while I get some cleaning done, it will be win-win.
I guess I’m realizing that without my family around, I have to create a family if I’m going to survive. I knew that when I moved here, but I started out strong and then backed off. That’s partly because I got burned by a misunderstanding with one potential friend. I guess I didn’t realize it, but I haven’t really wanted to put myself out there again.
I also was reminded by some people’s responses that I need to take some time for myself. I have been so focused on survival and holidays and caring for baby that I must have forgotten that. I’m going to try harder to carve out time for myself, even a few minutes. Whether I blog or do something crafty or try to exercise, I need to work something in.
When Curtis was a baby, the Relief Society at church was encouraging everyone to participate in a (half) triathlon. I signed up and started training 1-2 evenings a week. At first, I felt so guilty to be away from my baby. I don’t like leaving my babies when they’re little. I felt bad that I wasn’t there to comfort him if he woke after I put him to bed (which was often since there was only a wall between his bed and the bed where Phaedra was supposed to be going to sleep). After a while, I realized how good it was for me. My emotional health was the best it had ever been with a baby at home. Not only was I getting exercise, but I was training with friends and making connections. I got exercise and adult interaction at the same time! It was probably one of the best things I’ve done for myself, and by taking care of myself, it benefitted my family.
I haven’t gone running once since we moved here. It’s either been too cold, or I’ve been too pregnant. Grant and I have started discussing getting a fitness membership at his work once we get renters for the house. We discussed ways we could trade off kids and keep baby happy. I’m a little bit excited already. I think it could be a really good thing.
I just want to say thank you to all of you who have shown your concern for me. It means so much to me to know I am in your thoughts. I hope I didn’t worry anyone. I just needed to rip off the band aid so I wouldn’t have anything left to be scared to share, I guess. It has helped me so much to know that I’m not alone and that I’m normal. This motherhood journey is tough, but it is oh so good. I hope I can offer others support the same way people have supported me.
