Something to Remember

I’ve been reading my old journals lately. I’m trying to go through and highlight any parts where I wrote about Grant. Someday I’m going to sit down and write our story from start to finish (or at least to wedding), and I thought some journal excerpts might be helpful. It will probably be for my eyes only, but I still want to do it. Also, it helps me to look back at my journal and read the good stuff without having to sift through some of the junk.

Reading my journal always makes me miss writing in my journal. I also miss writing in it anytime I read a book that is in journal format. Right now, I’m reading The Star Garden, which is a book written in journal format. I guess you can say I’m getting a double-dose of missing writing in my journal. I’ve had the same journal for the past 10 years because I hardly write in it anymore. I also consider my blog to be like a journal, but there are some times I don’t get as personal blogging as I would be comfortable doing in my journal. But if I quit blogging and only write in my journal, I don’t get to keep a record of all my photos—what was happening in the moment I took a certain picture. I’ve thought about making my blog private to only myself, and then I can have the privacy of a journal and the record including the pictures. The problem with that is I would lose this as a source of communication. I know not too many people read this blog, but once in a while, Grant’s dad still pesters me to update it (he’s all but given up lately), and I finally got my dad to start reading it—woohoo!

So I guess I remain stuck between two blogs and a journal, which means that all of them look neglected. Oh well. It is what it is.

I’m amazed at some of the things I wrote in my journal that I never would have remembered had I not written them there, and I’m so grateful that I did. For example, I wrote about the first time I saw my niece, Callie, crawl across the floor to me and how I babysat her and her brother during the day while their parents went on a diving trip. I had remembered Matt and Laurie taking that trip, but for some reason, I didn’t remember that I had watched the kids by myself while my mom was at work—I even let Callie sleep with me at night. I had only remembered that my mom had watched the kids. I’m so glad I wrote that stuff down so I can have it to remember now.

It makes me realize that I want to write more about my day-to-day life. There are things I might not realize are important that can be so important to want to remember later.

That being said, I don’t know if I’ll want to remember my day today.

Grant went to class today for his doctoral program. I’d discuss how long he stays away when he’s at class, but this is the internet. Because of that, let’s just say he’ll be home any minute, and if he’s not, I have a few guns to keep me company and a mighty good aim.

Curtis is adorable. He tries so hard to help with everything. I hope this desire continues when he gets older, and he’ll be a hard worker. He watched his daddy gathering books this morning. When Grant moved certain books to a pile on the couch, Curtis watched and grabbed some other books to bring to the couch for Daddy. Then when Grant was wheeling his carryon bag out of our bedroom, Curtis tried to catch the handle and fussed at Grant until Grant put it down for him in the hall. Curtis tried and tugged at the handle, but it was too heavy. He came to me, pleading for help. This boy never ceases to amaze me at how well he can communicate without being able to form words. I lifted the handle so Curtis could still reach it and together, we walked it down the hall to where Grant needed it.

The other day, I was trying to get some clean laundry put away. I had one basket in the family room piled high with clothes, so I pushed it through the house instead of picking it up. Next thing I knew, Curtis had found another basket of clothes that wasn’t as full and was pushing it after me, so eager to help me out.

Well anyway, Grant got off to class, and we had an okay day until it got closer to evening. That seems to always be the case around here, which is why I hate eating dinner alone with the kids. It seems like I can manage to keep my cool with them and their antics and they can manage to behave right up until about the time Daddy should be coming home. And if he does, we are all peaceful and happy. But when he doesn’t, we are one very thin thread ready to snap with the slightest provocation. I’m not saying things fall apart every time he’s gone, but it’s much more of a challenge to make it through—sometimes it’s a battle, sometimes a walk across eggshells, sometimes a delicate dance, sometimes a mantra and a lot of deep breaths . . . you get the picture.

Tonight, something certainly did snap. Something physical snapped. One of the supports under Phaedra’s bed, to be specific. While I was trying to be such a good, kind, loving mommy and putting the PJs Eleanor wanted and the shirt Phaedra wanted in the washing machine, the girls were jumping on Phaedra’s bed. They both know they aren’t allowed to jump on the beds. I’m sure you’re wondering if I snapped. Well, yes and no. I wanted so badly to punish them in a way that they would understand the gravity of the situation since they had just broken a very expensive piece of furniture, but I had no idea how to get through to their 4 and 7 year old brains.

I ended up telling them that I was too upset with them to give them a punishment. They would have to wait until Daddy comes home and we can talk about what their consequences will be because this is really serious. Then I told them I was too upset to be around them for a while, and I wanted them to stay in their room and clean it up and not come out until I told them they could. That was the extent of their punishment so far. I did end up doing some yelling. I was trying so hard to hold it together. But when I let them out and told them to potty and brush teeth for bed, they started running back and forth in the bathroom and laughing. I couldn’t believe they could play around instead of obeying after what they had done. So I yelled at them. I hate yelling at them. I wish I could say it’s a rare thing.

Luckily, I think I did finally get through to them by the time they were in their beds because I had no funny business from them while getting them to sleep. They stayed in bed quietly while I put Curtis in his bed, and they were calm while I tucked them in. I guess I’ll have to remember that major infractions pre-bedtime make for an easy time getting kids to bed.

That was pretty much my day, minus a few details because I wanted to shorten things so I can watch a show before I go to bed. Here’s to a better tomorrow.

Because I love pictures, here’s my favorite from today. I have more, but maybe they’ll appear in a different post. It just isn’t a post without a picture, though. This is my cute boy playing with his ball popper he got from Santa. That toy has been such a hit!