It's NOT worth it!

Last night was not the best of nights. I didn't get much sleep at all. We went to a BBQ yesterday, and we got home late. The girls were both asleep when we got home. I put Eleanor straight in her bed. She woke a little bit, but then snuggled in and went right back to sleep. She stayed asleep until the middle of the night (I have no idea what time it was) when she woke up, completely irrational. Grant went to deal with her, and I was left to deal with Phaedra who kept waking up from the noise. Eleanor stayed in her bed, awake, for a long time. She was talking to her toys, which left me with absolutely no chance of falling back to sleep. It felt like hours had passed when I finally gave up and put in my ear plugs at 4:30 in the morning. It still took me forever to fall asleep after that.

The rest of the night, I was fretting. This was mostly before Eleanor woke up, but it continued some into the morning. I was troubled by something that happened at the BBQ. Lots of kids were there, so we pretty much left Eleanor to play, checking in on her now and then. There were two other girls just a little older than her that she was following around. I don't know if it was like this the whole evening, but one of the times I checked in on her, one of the girls was trying her hardest to exclude Eleanor. I guess I was blindsided. I didn't expect her to have to deal with that type of thing until school years. I felt frustrated and overprotective. Here was Eleanor, so happy to be with other girls to play, squealing and laughing at the thought of each new adventure they were going to find. Girl #1 would beckon her to come on as she skipped into the house. Then, Girl #2 would plant herself right in front of Eleanor and tell her, "You stay here! You play by yourself. Only I am playing with Girl #1."

Now, I know. The girl is 4. It's not like she has all the social skills figured out (none of them do). It just made me sad because Eleanor still seems so innocent to me, so loving to everyone. It just seems too soon to have someone treating her this way (especially someone she assumes to be her friend). And now that she has had this experience, where it might not have occurred to her in the past to do that to someone else, she has learned that behavior now.

That's what I was fretting about. It didn't seem to hurt her feelings very much. She kind of just looked back at Girl #2, and then went around her to Girl #1. I just hope it didn't sink in. I hope it didn't hurt her feelings that someone clearly didn't want her there. I know parenting requires a lot of letting go and allowing them to grow up. It just seemed to hit really fast. I wanted her to be sheltered a little longer with kids that are happy to play with just about anybody. Naturally, sharing issues come along, but they are all friends. Eleanor just has such a kind nature. I know it's silly to let such a little thing get to me, and I should have dealt with it better. My little girl is just growing up way too fast!

So after (actually during) our very difficult night last night, I decided it's not worth it. Eleanor seems to have these wakeful nights the most when she goes to bed late. I've been trying to find a pattern to explain the wakings, and that's all I've come up with so far. If that's what it is, then we're just going to have to come home and get her to bed. I guess we have a 7:30 curfew, because being up all night with her just isn't worth it.