Cramming

Here I go again, flaunting my weaker side. But seriously, if there are any of you out there who are still fooled into thinking I'm one of those people who really has it all together, where have you been?


I like to try to be prepared for things. When I take a trip, I write lists of what I need to bring and check those lists diligently. Even when I go on small outings with friends or family, I like to try to anticipate their needs, bringing extra snacks, jackets, sunscreen etc. I just love to feel helpful.


When I was pregnant with Eleanor, I had no idea what to expect, but I was sure going to try. I had my nose in many different pregnancy books from day one. After my baby showers, I did inventory of all the things I had for baby to try to figure out what else I might need. I had a hospital bag packed ahead of time with all but my everyday items (such as toothbrush and deodorant), but I had a list of those last minute items to grab. When I hit my due date and still didn't have a baby to hold, I went ahead and packed the rest of the stuff I would need into my hospital bag, even if I had to pull things out every time I needed to use them. Luckily, I didn't do that long. I went into labor the same day I put everything in the hospital bag. It was as if my body was holding on until I was completely prepared. I didn't know how things would go. I didn't know how it would feel. I just prepared the best I could.


This pregnancy has been very different. I don't feel prepared. I spent my nesting time searching for a nest instead of prepping a nest for a new baby. Now here I am at 37+ weeks of pregnancy. My doctor has said we are GO for baby, and if I go into labor now, they aren't going to try to stop me. But I don't feel ready!! I had a doctor visit yesterday, and I asked my midwife if we needed to fill out a pre-registration form for the hospital (similar to the one we filled out before having Eleanor). She looked shocked. She asked me if I had received one of those folders with all the information inside. Oh. Yeah. That. I haven't exactly even cracked the thing open, but hey, I did spend my $20 off coupon from the babycenter store to get a brand new Boppy. (I didn't tell her as much.) So, I haven't gone through the information yet, but I did keep track of it during the move. I know where it is; it isn't lost in storage somewhere. Isn't that an accomplishment?


It's not just that. There are things I wanted to have done to be mentally and physically prepared, and it just hasn't happened. I've been too busy, tired, or broke for any of it. I told a friend the other day that I don't even have any newborn diapers in the house yet. Her eyes went big and she said, "Oh. You really aren't ready." Comforting. Really comforting ;)


But it's true. I'm just not ready. This pregnancy has gone by so fast, and I have had so many other things taking up my time and attention. Now, I feel like I'm cramming for a test that could happen any day now. I have to try to remember the material from almost 3 years ago and hope the instructor doesn't throw me a curve ball. I don't have a hospital bag packed. I don't have a plan for Eleanor and people taking care of her. I don't have meals prepped and in the freezer ahead of time like I told myself I would do on the second child (because it felt like I was always STARVING after I had Eleanor no matter how much food we had), and I really don't think that's going to happen anyway, considering how I'm not in my own kitchen, I share a freezer, and I'd have to move the frozen meals anyway, not to mention how it makes me tired just to think about it. I haven't yet squeezed in a few more family activities with just the 3 of us or a few more dates with Grant. We're still trying to coordinate one last trip to the temple. I haven't made anything cute for the baby by hand. I don't have a birth plan written out. I haven't reviewed to myself how I made it through natural childbirth with Eleanor and did so well. Hopefully it's like riding a bike, right?


So, this is the state I am in. I'm not worried about the move. I'm letting Grant worry about that. I'm just worrying about the ticking time bomb that's kicking my ribs every day and night. Right now, Eleanor is napping, and I could go work on all kinds of things to help myself feel more prepared. The one thing stopping me like a brick wall: I'd much rather go take a nap. I'm sure everything will be fine no matter what happens. Even if I don't have a hospital bag packed, we'll still come home with a beautiful, healthy, new addition to our family. I'm just not exactly in my happy place right now. I need to be prepared.

I don't want to sound like I'm not excited for this baby. I may be in a panic over not feeling prepared, but I am excited to add to our family. I've often heard how people thought after their first child that they couldn't possibly love another child so much. Then, with each addition to their family, their capacity to lover grew and grew, filling them with the same strong love for each child. I have felt similar feelings about how much I love Eleanor and how it seems impossible to have the capacity to love two little people that much. But, I believe it will happen, and I'm excited to experience it. I'm excited to have a little tiny person to care for and love. I'm excited to see Eleanor as a big sister and watch Grant be wrapped around another one of our little girl's fingers. I can't wait to see what she looks like. It's hard to picture her without picturing Eleanor as a baby, because that's all I know as far as what our children will look like.